When I was a child
The metalwork teacher
Would help me to do up
My tie properly..
He’d make it so tight
That my eyes would pop right out
We wet ourselves laughing
When he tempered our backsides
With calloused vice hands
Or the wire brush

When I was a child
The arts and crafts teacher
Would help me to see
Things differently..
A whack round the head
Was quite easily read
Not ‘that’ differently
We wet ourselves laughing
As the litter bin welcomed
My moronic mush

When I was a child
The chemistry teacher
Explained strange reactions
As cause and effect..
Poor work would provoke
A grown man to choke
Late homework would turn
The board rubber ballistic
As we wet ourselves waiting
For a cheeky chalk rush

But when I was a child
The poetry teacher
Would conjure up worlds
In a whimsical voice
Our seasickly verse
Made her giggle and purse
She would spin us tall stories
And we wet ourselves laughing
Or she whispered of passion
And made schoolboys blush