Reports are just coming in that
Part of the suburbs
to the south of Paris
with no previous history
of volcanic activity exploded
with extreme violence
some time late last night.
The facts are still unclear.

In the same region a simple sunny terrace
suddenly took on the dimensions of a desert
and eye-witnesses tell us
that the slow-motion turning of a head
or the flickering of an eyelash
was enough to create force ten gales
causing people to panic and run for cover.

further to the north,
we have news that a simple train journey
turned into a screaming twisting tornado ride
into the unknown, with sinister grinning
ticket inspectors threatening to rip the carriages
off the rails with their rotting teeth breath
and send passengers slamming into the Seine.
We’ll bring you more on this story as we receive it.

Finally, here is an urgent warning for all residents
and tourists in the Ile de France area:
be extremely prudent when entering
or crossing exposed areas near water
such as parks or river banks;
innocent wooden benches
have been spotted
lurching and crashing like fishing boats
caught in a raging tempest
and there have been
several sightings of sea-sickness
apparently brought on spontaneously
just by looking into
the dream-inducing eyes
of extremely rare double whirlpools.
The colour has been described
as unearthly green.